


Grieve

by sasageyowrites



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, F/M, Manga & Anime, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27901927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasageyowrites/pseuds/sasageyowrites
Summary: L doesn’t know what to do after his lover has died by the hands of Kira. He’s adamant to admit how he really feels he’s never been cut this deep before
Kudos: 14





	Grieve

**Author's Note:**

> Uploaded from my Tumblr sasageyowrites. I don`t think I like this one but here you go.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Death Note much to my own horror, I don’t own you either because ew other humans.   
Warnings: swearing, mention of death, sexual references,

No reposts

L x reader

The rain was icy again his skin sending a flurry of goosebumps along his body, his baggy white shirt drenched from the onslaught of bad weather. Huge water droplets falling in great sheets along the streets below sliding under his clothing and falling in small beads from his raven black hair. The sky was a smoky grey, thick with sadness as the heavens continued to cry on the world below, any trace of the moon or stars was concealed by the blanket of clouds as the repetitive sound of water dripping into murky puddles echoed into the night. The sound of rushing traffic from the busy streets below fading into the back ground.

Lawliet stood on the roof top of the Japanese police HQ staring up into the foggy sky as the rain continued to mercilessly pelt across his face running down his cheeks and off his chin to fall to the concrete roof top where big puddles were forming. His hands were shoved deep into his pockets, his back hunched over like usual as his mop of black hair fell into his dark eyes the rain having completely soaked it through. But the detective didn’t care, he actually quite liked the rain, it was comforting to feel the chilling beads of water fall against him, it helped calm his racing mind the noises of falling water soothing his ever changing thoughts.

He didn’t know how long he had been stood in the rain for, an hour maybe two? He knew he had to get back to the investigation the were all waiting for him, but he had needed some time away to gather his thoughts for three days he had been pushing aside his own personal thoughts to keep his mind on the case. He assumed the rest of the investigation team would understand his absence for a little while longer, after all it wasn’t everyday your partner was killed by a serial killer.

Lawliet knew he should be crying, if he portrayed any emotions he actually felt he knew he would be a broken mess on the floor sobbing uncontrollably for his loss like any human would, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t make the emotions come through to surface and he didn’t know if he wanted to, he had never felt this way before, he had never had anyone to care about other then you and now you were gone. Lawliet had never felt heartbreak before, he didn’t know what it felt like but surely it must be what we was feeling now, his heart ached a pain he knew no man or woman should ever have to suffer. He found it hard to breath and he had to remember how to at times, he was vulnerable now something he had never been before.

He had known that involving himself with another person would have made him prone to these types of emotions but he also knew he had never been happier then when he was with you. You had been there for him through every case and every dead end, your insight had helped him greatly. Despite having been a retired detective yourself after having been injured in the field you still had the sharpest mind of anyone he had met, he had adored every aspect about you and now he would only have his memories to see you with now his own eyes deprived of ever laying their sights on you again. His minds eye was the window to the past, his only way to hear your laugh and run his fingers through your hair. He was deprived of ever creating new memories with you, ones he had been sure he would get to see.

Kira had not been kind with your death.

The twisted fuck had made sure your demise was slow and painful as if to taunt L. Lawliet knew Kira was childish when it came to winning and losing but he hadn’t thought anyone was sadistic enough to kill someone innocent to any crimes in such a horrific way. He could remember sitting by your hospital bedside, IV’s and machines hooked up to you, his hand holding yours as your breathing became more and more laboured. A motorcycle accident caused by your injury from your days as a detective the nurses had said, he knew beefed though. With twelve broken ribs and internal bleeding it was amazing you had even lined the collision let alone the fall. One of said ribs having pierced your lung so deep it was inoperable, he could do nothing but watch you die.

Lawliet knew you had motorcycles, he had bought you one for Christmas one year when your old one had become too faulty. Had he known that was the one you would have eventually crashed and died from he never would have bought it, he knew it was Kira who had determined the accident. You had been riding bikes for years, your skill was impressive and you had never had an accident not ever. No, this was definitely Kira and now L was more determined then ever to make sure that bastard was found and executed.

He was justice. And justice would always prevail.

He closed his eyes letting his head fall back, his pointed nose growing colder and colder as it was exposed to the nippy air, the wind pressing kisses to his skin causing violent shivers to wrack his body. The darkness of his closed eyes allowed him to close off the obnoxious lights of the streets below, the pitter patter of the rain his focus as he let himself slip into a kind of trance hoping the combination of water, dark and therapeutic rainfall would help to calm the growing emotions inside of him. Of course his new found peace was interrupted as the door to the roof was opened, Lawliet didn’t open his eyes he didn’t want to see who it was he didn’t really care.

“Ryuzaki!”

His eyes snapped open keeping his gaze fixed on the sky above. Light was the last person he wanted to see right now, if his suspicions of Light were true then he would be looking at your killer dead in the eye without ever being able to do anything until given proof. But he knew that the second he had Light cornered, the moment he had Light trapped with no where else to squirm he knew he would beat the boy senseless for having caused him so much agony, for having killed someone as innocent as you.

Until that day all he could do was stand in the rain.

“Ryuzaki!” Light yelled again from the doorway stepping into the rain, his suit and tie flapping about in the winds as he held his arms over his face, L let his fall to the side watching the young detective make his way over to where he stood.

“Hello Light.” L mumbled turning his gaze away from the boy.

“Ryuzaki it’s freezing out here, come back inside everyone’s waiting for you.” Light said loudly over the rain his brown eyes filled with implied concern, L watched him closely.

“Sorry Light-kun, I just needed a moment. Let’s get back to work.” L replied softly shifting his body to face Light his eyes hidden under his thick hair as he began to move towards to open door where warm orange light was spilling onto the dark rooftop.

Light Yagami if you really are Kira. If you were the one who took (y/n) from me I’ll make sure you receive a punishment worse then death. Lawliet thought as he made his way down the stairs this isn’t a game anymore.

Light followed L’s movements with his eyes watching the man slowly walk away. The shinigami floating behind him released a cruel cackle, he hadn’t thought Light would go as far as to kill (y/n) out of spite for L.

Light was always adamant to kill innocent people unless they posed as a dangerous threat to Kira. (Y/n) had done nothing more then turn up to a few meetings and give her input on the case before whisking L away to their bedroom for some “de stressing time.” The shinigami wasn’t even sure how Light had managed to get her name, L had given her a fake one that she had used at all times so how could Light possibly have discovered her true identity. Ryuk hadn’t given it to him, that was no fun.

“Light, how did you get (y/n)’s name?” Ryuk asked after a while glancing down at the boy who was still stood in the rain his body shaking from suppressed laughter, a scarlet light flashed through his brown eyes as he turned to face the god of death, the mortals face twisted into a wicked glare, his handsome features turned into an ugly grin.

“You don’t need someone’s name to tamper with their motorcycle Ryuk.” Light answered simply before turning away from the shinigami.

“You mean you…?”

“No of course I didn’t physically do it, I wrote a petty criminals name into the death note, it was instructed that before he die he would cut the fuel lining. I didn’t do a thing other then sentence a criminal to death with some specific instructions. I didn’t know if she would die or just be severely injured.”

“She didn’t have much input in the case Light. Why would you do that?” Ryuk asked, he didn’t really care about the girl he just wanted to know the sociopath’s motives. Lights mind was complicated and Ryuk found it hard to keep up with him sometimes.

“Because Ryuk, L might not show it but he’s devastated right now. I’m hoping it will affect his deductible skills.”

“But what if he only gets more motivated to find you.”

“Trust me Ryuk. I know this will affect him because…” Light breathed as he stopped in the door frame turning his head back to look at the god of death behind him “he’s human.”

So, Ryuk thought as he followed behind his human Light really has become the evil he vowed to destroy. He can claim he killed (y/n) to throw L of his game but we both know he killed her in cold blood. To mess with his head.

What are you going to do L? Light thought to himself as he made his way down the flights of stairs, your partner is dead and you know it’s because of Kira. Of course you won’t show your emotions you’re too professional but, that doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting right now. Humans in grieving take days to recover sometimes months, if this throws you off even a little bit there’s room for me to win.

Light entered the building closing the door behind him letting his face fall back into its usual state, the mad glint in his eyes instantly washing away as he resumed his facade of the polite young man everyone perceived him to be. He made his way down the stairs the rain water from his shoes leaning wet footprints behind him, as he turned a corner in the stair well he froze slightly when he saw L sat at the top of the final stairwell drying himself off with a white towel, Light assumed Watari had provided the towel he also noticed there was a second one beside L. Light arched an eyebrow as he stepped closer stopping by the raven heads side lowering himself to sit down beside him picking up the towel and laying it on his lap. L didn’t bother to look up, too engrossed in roughly running the towel through his hair causing it stick up like it usually did.

“Is this for me?” Light asked gesturing to the towel in his lap, L nodded and Light began to follow L’s actions and run it through his own hair the towel growing damp in his hands as it absorbed the water “are you ok Ryuzaki?”

“Why wouldn’t I be ok Light-kun?” L asked letting the towel rest on top of his head his arms leaning on his thighs as he hunched forward slightly as he tried to suppress anything that bubbled inside of him.

“Well I mean most people would be beside themselves with grief if they had just lost the love of their life.” Light answered casually running the towel over his damp suit, his brown hair letting droplets slide from its locks and onto the step below.

Lawliet was quiet for a moment the towel that he had left to rest on his head gently beginning to slide off falling to the floor in a crumpled heap, the cotton layers folding in on themselves. His hair now somewhat dry beginning to have its usual unruliness, his tiered eyes half open as his heart steadily beat in his chest. Of course he was beside himself, he just didn’t know how to portray it he often kept all his emotions to himself not wanting others to detect how he was feeling. You had been the only person in the world who had seen him at his weakest, nights cuddled into each others arms as he told you what was on his mind and how you suggesting ways in which you could help him, your elegant fingers slowly combing through his hair as he lay with you just enjoying your company.

“I think you of all should know I’m not like most people Light-kun.” L replied slowly getting to his feet, bending over to pick the towel up slinging it over his skinny arm as he began to make his way down the final few steps, Light following his actions as the two walked toward the briefing room.

“I’m truly sorry Ryuzaki.” Light said, L side eyed him cautiously “I promise you, we’ll find Kira and make him pay.”

Clever Light. You must think there’s no way I’d still suspect you now. You must think I fall for your words. If you aren’t Kira then maybe you would show a little more hesitation towards carrying on. Kira has made it clear he isn’t afraid to kill even the ones detached to this case. Why aren’t you afraid?

“Thank you Light, I appreciate your words of sentiment.” L muttered they drew closer to the debriefing room “I’ve never hoped to be more wrong about any of suspects in my entire life then right now.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because (y/n) liked you Light, she thought you were very admirable. If I’m right about you being Kira, that has to be the most tragic thing in the world.” he replied simply opening the door to the investigation room and entering.

Light remained frozen for a second and for the first time in a while felt a trickle of guilt slide into the back of his mind. It was quickly ignored however as he closed the door behind him Ryuk’s laughs not going unheard.

…

The meeting carried well on into the night and early morning and although Ryuzaki had been giving it his all his mind just wasn’t in the right place to focus. After hours and hours of theorising and deducing he had called the meeting off to allow the others to get some rest, he stayed sat in his arm chair as everyone else offered their condolences and goodnights, his mind still whirring with bridled emotions he felt nausea and crippling disparity way into his system trying to force any kind of reaction.

How could he deal with these thoughts? He wanted to yell at anyone who would hear, to cry into the pillows of his bed maybe throw something at Light. He closed his eyes trying to push away the negativity his breathing remained calm as his bare toes curled into the fabric of the chair. No. He wouldn’t act irrationally no matter how much he knew he wanted to. He needed sleep, he hadn’t gotten any since you had died, for three days he had tried to keep himself away from your shared bedroom too haunted by the moments you had spent together in there. He would do what he usually did when he tried to avoid dreaming, he would drink more coffee and eat more sweets.

“ Watari,” he mumbled into the microphone of his communicator, he waited patiently for a reply.

“Yes sir?”

“Could you being me about twelve cups of coffee and a slice of strawberry cake?” he asked running his slender fingers over his sharp jaw his dull eyes growing heavy as his body tried to lull him to sleep.

“Sir I think you’ve had enough coffee for a while, why don’t you try getting some rest?” Watari answered.

“I’m asking nicely Watari, please bring the beverages to the briefing room.”

“As you wish sir.”

Lawliet nodded and sat back into the arm chair letting his legs fall to the floor from their usual crouch position. He let his head roll back onto the top of back cushion of the chair his body stretching out as he slumped into the chair. He hadn’t sat like that in a long time, with his feet on the floor and his arms laying on top of the arm rest the way you were supposed to sit. He closed his eyes as he fully reclined swallowing heavily his Adam’s Apple quivering in his throat as he suppressed another pent up moan of agony. It had been three days and the pain still hadn’t numbed, he didn’t know how long this was supposed to go on for but he was beginning to grow ill with uncertainty it wasn’t unusual for him to miss nights of rest or to skip a few meals but he knew that staying awake for three days and two nights was beyond unhealthy: it was practically suicidal.

But maybe that’s what he wanted.

“Your coffee sir.”

His eyes peeled open at the sound of Watari entering the quiet room, a trolley full of steaming coffee and bowls of sugar cubes was being pushed in by the elderly man. Lawliet smiles weakly as he sat up reaching out to take the first cup he could, the china was hot in his cold hands and he held it to his nose inhaling the aroma his body finding new life.

“Thank you Watari.” he said as he reached across the trolley to grab a bowl of sugar cubes picking each individual lump out and dropping them into the cup he held, the black liquid hissing slightly as the sugar dissolved.

“Sir I think we need to talk.” Watari sighed closing the door and making his way over to one of the empty chairs opposite from where the detective sat. Lawliet glanced up from his drink to stare at the man needed taking a steady sip, the bitter beverage burning his throat slightly.

“What is there to talk about Watari?” he replied setting the cup down moving moving his body upwards and brining his legs up to tuck in front of him back to his usual position, his black eyes curious.

“You know what we need to talk about sir.”

“I really don’t know what you mean.”

“For someone so incredibly smart you really are quite foolish.” Watari sighed shaking his head. Lawliet didn’t respond his eyes had widened in slight shock the cup he had half way to his lips had frozen momentarily in the air.

Lawliet knew Watari wanted to help him. Heck he didn’t even know how to help himself so maybe having the older man lend a shoulder to cry on would be good for him, but he had never been open with his emotions and he didn’t know where to begin. He knew he was going through grief, he knew he wanted to kill Kira himself for doing what he did, he knew that he was lonely with out. You had been his first friend. His only friend. Having you gone was like ripping half of himself away, he felt empty where he had once been whole. He knew this was Kira’s game. But it wasn’t a game anymore. The instant you had slipped through his fingers, he no longer saw this as a battle of wits, it had become personal and he would be damned if he let Kira get the best of him.

“I don’t know what you except to hear Watari.” he muttered placing his cup down on the coffee table his hands resting on his knee caps gently squeezing the skin around his legs “I don’t even know what to say.”

Watari watched the boy across from him, he had known Lawliet all his life the childish antics and slight sugar addiction had been apart of his world for the last twenty three years. He knew his son was often void of any and all emotions on the outside but on the inside he knew the sea of torment was there, bubbling and raging beneath the surface. Lawliet was like an icy pond, nothing but cold and distant in the exterior, but deep and concealed beneath. If Lawliet didn’t seek help this case would be ruined and he could never serve your death any justice.

You had been the best part of Lawliets life. Watari has seen first hand the love that sparkled in Lawliets dark eyes whenever he saw you, he had seen the kisses and the banter he had witnessed the hugs whenever L returned home safely. He knew what Lawliet was going through, (y/n) had been apart of their small and dysfunctional family.

“You say whatever you want to sir. Tell me whatever you think I need to hear.”

Lawliet chewed on his thumb as he mulled over what he wanted to say. His heavy eye lids drooped slightly as a wave of exhaustion washed over him. He was at liberty to say whatever he he wanted about your death, he could do and say whatever he wanted and he knew Watari would listen. But words failed him, he was quite happy to just brood although he was smart enough to know that that wouldn’t help at all.

“How do I begin?”

“Just say what’s on your mind.”

“That could take a while.”

“Well then tell me about her. Tell me about (y/n).” Watari instructed, Lawliet sighed running a hand over his face gathering all th courage he had.

“She was sleep when I needed rest Watari. She was everything I could ever need.” he eventually said, his weary eyes quivering with tears “what do you do when something so precious has been taken from you? How do you react to something like that?”

Watari was quiet for a while. His eyes softening as he waters Lawliet duck his head into his knees to try and hold back the tears.

“There is no correct way to grieve for someone Sir.” he answered, Lawliet raised his head to stare at his mentor his baggy eyes damp with tears “you can cry. You can get angry. You can even go as far as to hurt someone. But, there is no way in which you should process the pain. I know how much she meant to you, I know how much you want to find the person responsible. But do you think that (y/n) would want you to hurt yourself even more with unhealthy habits?”

“You said there was no correct way to grieve. What if losing sleep is my process?” Lawliet responded turning his gaze to stare out the window where more rain was falling against the glass, the rising sunlight filling the room with warmth.

“There’s grieving and then there’s being irrational.” Watari said causing Lawliet to crack a half hearted smile.

“I suppose you think I’m being irrational.” he mumbled, Watari nodded stiffly “she was my only friend Watari. I loved her.”

“I know you did, I know you did.”

“Nothing will be the same.”

“Not for a while no it won’t.”

Lawliet bit his lip.

“Will I ever be ok?”

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“On you.”

There was another pause, Lawliet had kept his gaze fixated on his knees his face behind his shaggy hair as a single tear tracked its way down his pale cheek leaning a damp streak along his face soon followed by another. He reached up wiping the marks of weakness from his skin with his baggy sleeve letting his arms remain over his eyes enjoying the ambience of the quiet room. The orange sun rays had fully peaked through the blinds now pressing warmth into his rain soaked skin any chills he had ignored now being chased away by the light.

“There won’t be anyone like her again Watari.” Lawliet finally said his eyes threatening to spill more tears as his mind grew heavy with depression, his body numb.

“No my boy. There won’t. But you have to keep pushing through it. I know (y/n) would kill you herself if you gave up on this investigation.” Watari smiled warmly, Lawliet nodded knowing the truth behind his words.

“I’m tired Watari, I think I’ll go to bed now.” he said letting his feet touch the floor standing up almost falling over as another sweeping feeling of sleep pulled on him.

“I think that’s a good idea sir.”

Lawliet waved him off as he made his way through the corridor his hands once again shoved deep into his pockets as he trudged up the stairs to the floor his bedroom was. His eyes half open as he made his way towards the door opening it with a soft click not bothering to change as he made his way over to the freshly made bed, he avoided looking at the pictures in the walls. He didn’t think he had the strength to see your smiling face beaming at him from behind the glass of the frames, he knew he would rush straight out if he alllwwe himself to gaze upon you. He would have Watari remove them tomorrow not to be out back when he was ready.

He let himself fall into the lush bed, the feather pillows poofing beneath him as his head made contact. He didn’t bother covering himself with the covers, his muscles were sore and his mind too tired to instruct his body to get warmer. It wasn’t long before he had drifted into a deep sleep memories of you by his side playing over and over behind his closed eyes.

…


End file.
